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It's natural for parents to focus their energies on children with special
needs, health problems or exceptional abilities – and feel the personal
effects of raising them.
But it's also important not to overlook how their siblings are faring. On
the sidelines of all that extra attention, these siblings can come under
some major pressures, says pediatrician Scott Steinberg, MD.
"Parents are often emotionally drained or stressed, especially about the
uncertainty of a diagnosis. They may be angry and frustrated that it
happened," says Dr. Steinberg, with Northeast Cincinnati Pediatric
Associates in Mason. "But the healthy child also has to adjust – both to a
sibling taking up more parental time and resources, as well as to a parent
who's tired and stressed."
Siblings of children with special abilities or needs may act out to get
parents' attention. But the impact on family dynamics can go much deeper, he
says, particularly with siblings of special-needs children, who may:
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Feel alone or jealous about extra attention for their sibling and interpret
it as rejection
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Wish they had medical problems to get more attention
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Worry they might "catch" what their sibling has
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Be overly helpful or noncompliant for attention
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Try to ease parents' burdens by not making demands or feeling guilty if they
do
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Feel guilty for their own good health or have negative thoughts about their
special-needs sibling
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Feel embarrassed or resent having to involve their sibling with neighborhood
friends
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Resent having to care for a sibling or worry about their sibling's future
Tactics for Reducing the Rivalry
Dealing with misperceptions and emotional responses starts with fostering
communication, Dr. Steinberg says. "Try to be a good listener. Encourage
siblings to express themselves, including negative feelings. Ask them what
they like best and least about each other. Let your children know it's okay
to get mad at their special-needs sibling and not to feel guilty if they
sometimes resent the extra attention."
One good way to combat misperceptions, he says, is to describe to children
their sibling's special needs or abilities, starting with simple
explanations around ages 5 or 6. "Share with them how a health condition is
evaluated and treated and what to expect. Talk about their sibling's
strengths and weaknesses and the best ways to interact with that child."
It's impossible to treat all children equally, he says. But parents should
be as fair as possible and take steps to prevent sibling rivalry.
"Have special-needs children do as much for themselves as they can and
assign them tasks so everybody has responsibilities. Do chores together as a
family."
Dr. Steinberg suggests setting siblings up to cooperate rather than compete,
for instance by having them race against the clock as a team rather than
individually to complete chores. He recommends devoting time to family
activities that everyone enjoys.
"Let each child know he or she is special," he says. "Make sure they're able
to develop their own interests and identity. Try to get a few minutes a day
alone between each parent and child." Exclusive time with parents will be
especially valuable to the sibling of the special-needs child. He also
cautions against overburdening older children with care duties for their
siblings. However, all siblings of the special-needs child can be enlisted
as "partners" with parents in understanding and addressing their sibling's
requirements.
When to Seek Help
If sibling rivalry gets out of hand or parents see signs of depression or
anxiety, counseling may be in order for children or the family, he says.
Signs to watch for include sleep or appetite disturbance, hopelessness, poor
concentration, low self-esteem, talk of hurting oneself, loss of interest in
activities, frequent crying or worrying, difficulty separating from parents,
perfectionism, or what can be physical symptoms of emotional distress, such
as headaches or stomachaches.
"If you see these behaviors for more than a few weeks, seek counseling," Dr.
Steinberg says. Sibling support groups can connect children with others who
have similar experiences.
Despite the potential problems, being the sibling of a special-needs child
can have plusses, too, he says. Research indicates they're more likely to
develop such positive traits as maturity, social competence, ability to get
along with others, insight, empathy, tolerance of differences between
people, pride in
family accomplishments and loyalty.
"They have more negative issues to deal with," he says, "but they have
opportunity for personal growth and character development."
Reprinted from Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center, 3333 Burnet
Avenue, Cincinnati, Ohio 45229-3039
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