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by Amy Dusek
Aurora Holman’s life changed from one phone call. She received the news that
she was about to become a grandmother and her son a father. Normally this
would be joyful news. For Holman this good news was mixed with complexity.
The mother of her grandchild had been sentenced to a women’s federal prison
in Lexington, Kentucky. She would have the baby there.
All throughout the mother’s pregnancy, Holman and her daughter traveled four
hours once – many times twice – a week to visit. Once her grandson was born,
they would come regularly to bond with the baby – feed him, hold him and
love him. During one visit, Holman noticed that her grandson, Derrick, was
unusually fussy. He wouldn’t eat. She checked his diaper and found that he
had a severe yeast infection. At that moment she decided to raise him. She,
with four grown children of her own, became a parent again at 52.
“My life changed drastically. I had a daycare in my home. The kids came at 6
a.m. and left at 5 p.m. After 5 p.m. and weekends, that was my time,” says
Holman. “With the baby I couldn’t punch a time clock. He had needs. I was
constantly holding, rocking and walking the halls with him.”
Times continued to be rough. “I did have it hard with him, especially when
he was 2. I had breast cancer and went through radiation every day in
Tucker. The radiation just kept getting worse – it was burning my skin. I
went around the house with gel all over me. But he never missed a meal or a
bath; even in my bad shape I took care of him. Sometimes I think it was the
baby that kept me going.”
Cecilia Cantrell is a grandparent with a different story. Cantrell, a
sociology professor at Georgia State University, adopted her granddaughter,
Alexandria, when the child was just over a year old. Her daughter, Shelly,
became unexpectedly pregnant and the two agreed to raise Alexandria
together, so Shelly could stay in college. This news hit when Cantrell had
discovered that she had contracted type I diabetes. The childcare
arrangement worked for a short time until Shelly decided to move out of
state.
“I was distressed about her leaving school. I had spent my life teaching
other people’s children, [and] I wanted my own child to get an education,”
says Cantrell. “We were angry at each other. It was not the warmth we had. I
felt we had maintained a good relationship. I was more in shock over how
quickly everything happened.”
While Holman and Cantrell endured tough circumstances and numerous
challenges to raise their grandchildren, they’re not alone. Across the U.S.,
more than 6 million children are living in households headed by grandparents
or other relatives. Georgia has more than 92,000 grandparents responsible
for meeting the basic needs of their grandchildren, according to the 2000
Census. Judy Perdue, manager of Project Healthy Grandparents in Atlanta,
says that substance abuse, incarceration, divorce and neglect often lead to
grandparents taking on the parental role for their grandchildren. “They take
it on with an enormous amount of grace and dignity,” says Perdue. “Our staff
is inspired by the strength of the grandparents. They do a lot with very
little to no resources.”
Project Healthy Grandparents is one of the few resources available in the
metro area to grandparents. The program, sponsored by Georgia State
University, offers home-based social services, support groups, parenting
classes, legal referrals, early intervention, and special programs for
grandchildren. The program is only open to residents of Fulton and DeKalb
counties who are raising one or more grandchildren 16 years old or younger
in which the parents are absent from the household. Since 1995, the program
has served more than 300 families. Today there’s a waiting list of
grandparents looking for help.
The Legal Options
Beyond the drastic life change that raising a child brings, the simple fact
that a grandparent has no legal relationship to their grandchild presents
hurdles. “Many grandparents don’t know how to get a legal guardianship or
custody. Some don’t know about medical coverage or getting their
grandchildren enrolled in school,” says Amy Goyer, coordinator of the
American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) Grandparent Information
Center. “Some grandparents even adopt their grandchildren. But many don’t
know the legal ramifications as well.”
Sherry Neal, director of the Grandparent/Relative Caregiver Project at the
Atlanta Legal Aid Society, helps low-income grandparents through the legal
system. She says there are four options available:
Guardianship – Neal feels this is the least desirable option, unless
the situation is truly a temporary one. Guardianship does grant the right to
enroll the child in school and get medical care, but it’s easily revoked. If
you are granted guardianship and then decide to adopt, this could impair
your ability to receive certain benefits. This process is done through the
probate court – an attorney is not mandatory.
The Juvenile Court System – Grandparents can go through the
deprivation process and file a complaint stating the child’s parents are
unfit. The verdict can be a variety of things. The children could end up in
foster care, or the grandparents could end up with temporary custody or
guardianship. Typically, the juvenile court system takes a long time, and it
can be a stressful process. Neal suggests that if your goal is guardianship,
go through the probate court.
Custody – This option gives the grandparent the right to enroll the
child in school and receive medical care. It’s not easy to change custody.
Custody is granted through the superior court system, which can be
expensive.
Holman’s brush with breast cancer prompted her to think of her own mortality
and Derrick’s welfare. She wondered who would take care of him if something
should happen to her. That’s why both she and her daughter have custody of
Derrick. If anything should happen to Holman, her daughter can take over.
Adoption – Adoption creates a permanent relationship between the
grandparent and the grandchild that’s impossible for the parent to revoke.
All decision-making power is given to the grandparent and this is the only
option that terminates the parent’s rights. You must have an attorney to
complete this process.
“It provides permanency and stability for the child. A lot of families have
parents that disrupt the grandparent and grandchild’s life, especially if
they have a drug problem. Adoption gives the grandparent more power to stop
the disruptions and make life more stable for the grandchild,” says Neal.
“Adoption also gives grandparents easy access to education and medical care
and it may help a family financially.”
The grandparent may qualify for financial benefits through adoption. If the
children qualify, grandparents can receive a monthly stipend of roughly $400
a month through an adoption assistance subsidy. But there’s a window of
opportunity to apply – after the adoption has been filed but before it’s
granted. In addition to the monthly payment, grandparents can apply for a
one-time reimbursement of attorney fees up to $2,000.
Adoption can also lead to a tax credit. In some cases the grandparent
doesn’t have to prove expenses. Otherwise you are limited to what you’ve
spent, up to $10,000. This is not a deduction, and reduces your tax burden,
says Neal.
The Challenges
Grandparents raising grandchildren face a variety of challenges – financial
stress, emotional and physical health issues, and so on. “If you look at the
average grandparent, they have a lifestyle moving toward retirement.
Hopefully they have prepared for it, but all of that can go downhill quickly
if grandparents are spending their retirement funds on legal fees and taking
care of their grandchildren – keeping them clothed and [putting] food on the
table,” says Goyer. “It’s very financially challenging for many
grandparents.”
To stay afloat Holman became a foster parent. She also receives Social
Security benefits from her deceased husband and money from her daughter.
Many grandparents find themselves on welfare or working beyond retirement to
make ends meet.
In addition to the financial stress, both the grandparents and grandchildren
grapple with a variety of emotions – anger, sadness, grief and regret. Some
grandparents may feel that they failed as parents. In many cases these
grandparents have to face their own children in court for custody,
guardianship and adoption hearings.
For the grandchildren, they are without a parent. They may feel anger and
resentment toward their parents for messing up and for leaving them. Both
Cantrell and Holman made the decision to tell their grandchildren about
their unique family situations.
“I would tell Alexandria, ‘This is your story, it’s all about you.’ I wanted
to be honest with her so there wouldn’t be this horrible mystery hanging
over her,” says Cantrell.
Today, Cantrell and Alexandria refer to each other as mother and daughter.
They visit with Alexandria’s birth mother and her family in Charlotte, North
Carolina, on a regular basis.
Holman felt the more information she could tell Derrick, the fewer questions
she would have to answer as he grew older.
“He does express his feelings. He has said that he doesn’t like his mother.
I’ve told him, ‘You do love her. I’m not going to tell you not to be angry.
You have a right to be angry. But look at her situation. We don’t know the
circumstances. Maybe it was the best thing for you to come to my home. You
don’t know what her home would be like.’”
Now that Derrick is 11, Holman wonders if she should have raised Derrick
differently. “I always thought he’s a poor child without a mother. That was
bad thinking. He is blessed, he has a grandmother, aunts and uncles and
cousins that love him. He knows his family. There are some kids in
institutions that don’t know either side of their family,” says Holman.
“I’ve told him, ‘You’re blessed and that’s that.’ “
As aging adults, grandparents face various health issues. But personal
health is often overlooked in order to meet their grandchild’s needs.
“I can’t tell you how many grandparents are not taking their medication
because they don’t have the money to get it filled,” says Goyer.
“Grandparents will spend the money on buying shoes for their grandchildren
or putting food on the table. But if they’re not taking care of themselves,
they’re not going to be there to care for the grandchildren.”
The Gift
When life presents a challenge, there is a gift within the struggle. “The
good side is that most of the grandparents I’ve ever talked to will come
back around to say they feel incredible joy to help their grandchildren in
this way,” says Goyer. “The love they receive from their grandchildren is
why they do it.”
“[Alexandria] is the joy of my life,” says Cantrell. “I wouldn’t have it any
other way. My older daughter is a wonderful person who just went through a
rough patch. I feel that we have been blessed.”
“The rewards are knowing that you’re helping. What motivates most
grandparents is they don’t want their grandchildren raised in a home of a
stranger,” says Goyer. “They are family and they want their grandchildren to
have that sense of family, even if it’s not the typical or storybook
family.”
Developing a sense of family for Derrick was important to Holman. For every
grandparent it’s a learning process. Many grieve the loss of the traditional
grandparent/grandchild relationship. In time, every family finds its way.
“I wanted to make up for everything he had lost. I became his mother,
father, grandmother, aunt…and then I realized that there was only one role I
could play – a grandmother raising her grandson.”
Grandparent Resources
AARP Grandparent Information Center
gic@aarp.org
www.aarp.org/grandparents/
Atlanta Legal Aid Society
404-614-3911
www.law.emory.edu/PI/ALAS/
Georgia Adoption Resource
404-929-0401
www.gaadoptionresources.org
Project Healthy Grandparents
404-651-0341
www.gsu.edu/healthygrandparents
Article courtesy of Atlanta Parent
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There is an
energy in us which makes things happen when the paths of other persons touch
ours.
from the Monks of Weston Priory
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