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The stages of grief are recognizable and we must go through each of them to
work through the grief process. Some good information and support is
available for helping us grieve the losses in our life. “Grief is as
unique and individual as any snowflake. No two people grieve the same way
and that includes husbands and wives.” A statement from a book entitled In
this Together The Journey of a Mother and Child by Dawn M. Atkinson
Articles about Grief:
Resources on Grief:
Books on Grief:
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Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg
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Helping the Hurting by PhilipYancey
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Grief: What is it and What we can do about it by E.P.Vining
Common Reactions
On learning that their child may have a disability, most parents react in
ways that have been shared by all parents before them who have also been
faced with this disappointment and this enormous challenge. One of the first
reactions is denial—“This cannot be happening to me, to my child, to
our family.” Denial rapidly merges with anger, which may be directed
toward the medical personnel who were involved in providing the information
about the child’s problem. Anger can also color communication between
husband and wife or with grandparents or significant others in the family.
Early on, it seems that the anger is so intense that it touches almost
anyone, because it is triggered by the feelings of grief and
inexplicable loss that one does not know how to explain or deal with.
Fear is another immediate response. People often fear the unknown
more than they fear the known. Having the complete diagnosis and some
knowledge of the child’s future prospects can be easier than uncertainty. In
either case, however, fear of the future is a common emotion: “What is going
to happen to this child when he is five years old, when he is twelve, when
he is twenty-one? What is going to happen to this child when I am gone?”
Then other questions arise: “Will he ever learn? Will he ever go to college?
Will he or she have the capability of loving and living and laughing and
doing all the things that we had planned?”
Other unknowns also inspire fear. Parents fear that the child’s condition
will be the very worst it possibly could be. Over the years, I have spoken
with so many parents who said that their first thoughts were totally bleak.
One expects the worst. Memories return of persons with disabilities one has
known. Sometimes there is guilt over some slight committed years before
toward a person with a disability. There is also fear of society’s
rejection, fears about how brothers and sisters will be affected, questions
as to whether there will be any more brothers or sisters in this family, and
concerns about whether the husband or wife will love this child. These fears
can almost immobilize some parents.
Then there is guilt—guilt and concern about whether the parents
themselves have caused the problem: “Did I do something to cause this? Am I
being punished for something I have done? Did I take care of myself when I
was pregnant? Did my wife take good enough care of herself when she was
pregnant?” For myself, I remember thinking that surely my daughter had
slipped from the bed when she was very young and hit her head, or that
perhaps one of her brothers or sisters had inadvertently let her drop and
didn’t tell me. Much self-reproach and remorse can stem from questioning the
causes of the disability.
Guilt feelings may also be manifested in spiritual and religious
interpretations of blame and punishment. When they cry, “Why me?” or “Why my
child?”, many parents are also saying, “Why has God done this to me?” How
often have we raised our eyes to heaven and asked: “What did I ever do to
deserve this?” One young mother said, “I feel so guilty because all my life
I had never had a hardship and now God has decided to give me a hardship.”
Confusion also marks this traumatic period. As a result of not fully
understanding what is happening and what will happen, confusion reveals
itself in sleeplessness, inability to make decisions, and mental overload.
In the midst of such trauma, information can seem garbled and distorted. You
hear new words that you never heard before, terms that describe something
that you cannot understand. You want to find out what it is all about, yet
it seems that you cannot make sense of all the information you are
receiving. Often parents are just not on the same wavelength as the person
who is trying to communicate with them about their child’s disability.
Powerlessness to change what is happening is very difficult to
accept. You cannot change the fact that your child has a disability, yet
parents want to feel competent and capable of handling their own life
situations. It is extremely hard to be forced to rely on the judgments,
opinions, and recommendations of others. Compounding the problem is that
these others are often strangers with whom no bond of trust has yet been
established.
Disappointment that a child is not perfect poses a threat to many
parents’ egos and a challenge to their value system. This jolt to previous
expectations can create reluctance to accept one’s child as a valuable,
developing person.
Rejection is another reaction that parents experience. Rejection can
be directed toward the child or toward the medical personnel or toward other
family members. One of the more serious forms of rejection, and not that
uncommon, is a “death wish” for the child—a feeling that many parents report
at their deepest points of depression.
During this period of time when so many different feelings can flood the
mind and heart, there is no way to measure how intensely a parent may
experience this constellation of emotions. Not all parents go through these
stages, but it is important for parents to identify with all of the
potentially troublesome feelings that can arise, so that they will know that
they are not alone. There are many constructive actions that you can
take immediately, and there are many sources of help, communication, and
reassurance.
Reprinted with permission from the National Dissemination Center for
Children with Disabilities (NICHCY).
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There is an
energy in us which makes things happen when the paths of other persons touch
ours.
from the Monks of Weston Priory
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