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Even though grievers seem to be walking through quicksand, they usually have
a heightened awareness of what is going on around them. In particular, they
are very aware of being judged, evaluated, or criticized. In earlier columns
we talked about the killer clichés that are not helpful to grievers.
Unhelpful comments almost always encourage the griever to feel some way
other than the way they feel. For example; don’t feel sad, you should feel
grateful that you had him/her for so long!
In addition to the constant fight against the killer clichés, the griever
starts to experience being avoided by people they know. Grievers notice that
friends who know about the loss will not approach them or will talk to them
and never mention the loss.
The truth is that people often do avoid grievers. Since our society has so
miseducated us about loss, we are often led to believe that the griever
wants and needs to be alone. Although grievers sometimes want to be alone,
more often they want to be treated normally. Because we were never properly
taught how to talk about the conflicting feelings caused by loss, we are
often afraid to talk to our friends when they have experienced a loss.
Therefore our own fear will cause us to avoid grievers or to avoid the
subject of their loss.
Fear is one of the most common responses to loss. For example, when a spouse
dies: How can I go on without them? Or, after a divorce: Where will I find
another mate as wonderful, as beautiful? While fear is often the emotional
response to loss, in our society, ISOLATION is frequently the behavioral
reaction to the fear.
Look at the combination outlined above. People avoid grievers because they
are mis-informed and afraid. Grievers avoid others because they are afraid
and then isolate. Is anybody talking to anyone else, and if so are they
talking about anything important to the griever?
As the result of tens of thousands of direct interactions with grieving
people, we can tell you that what grievers most want and need to do is to
talk about “what happened” and talk about their relationship with the person
who died or to whom they were married. That does not mean that every griever
will want to have a detailed conversation with everyone they meet. Nor does
it mean that you always have to make yourself available to someone who may
need more time than you have.
What we are suggesting is that instead of avoiding the subject of the loss
that you at least acknowledge it. A simple comment like, “I was sorry to
hear about your loss,” can be very helpful to a griever who may be
questioning their own sanity because no one is even mentioning their loss.
There are many kinds of losses that produce grief, is there a single
definition that encompasses all of the emotions caused by loss?
While a universal definition is impossible, we can come very close.
Reprinted with permission from The Grief Recovery Institute,
www.grief-recovery.com
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There is an
energy in us which makes things happen when the paths of other persons touch
ours.
from the Monks of Weston Priory
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