|
|
“Frank always says he’ll help me, but he never does.” Mrs. Ford, a tall,
dark-haired woman in her early 30s, spoke rapidly. “Last week, Ms. Anthony,
who coordinates the work with our son, Jimmy, suggested that we begin to
take him for speech therapy. Jimmy is our youngest. He is almost three years
old. We have an older daughter, Joan, who is seven and Derek, who is five.
“When Jimmy was born, he wasn’t quite right. The doctors told Frank and me
that we would have trouble bringing him up. They also told us that there are
lots of things they could do to help us now at the clinic that they never
used to be able to do.”
“It has been a tough three years. We’ve always been short of money – even
when I could work. But, now Jimmy takes up so much time that I have had to
give up work almost altogether.”
“I never expected Frank to do much work around the house. I always figured
that was my job. There is so much to do and so many directions I have to go
in; I really need a lot of help. Every couple of months we discuss it, but
the conversation is a dead end. Frank always claims that he does help and
that he has been helping more than ever. I know he believes it when he says
it, but I don’t see what he actually does.”
“I am still taking care of all of the kids, still preparing all the meals. I
am still going 24 hours a day – it really gets irritating.”
“My family and Frank’s family have been good. They try to do whatever they
can, but they have large families and lives of their own to lead. Last week,
when we were visiting my sister, I told my sister, Jeannie, how tired I was
and asked her what I should do – right in front of Frank. Frank got very
angry. He said he helped a good bit and that he pitched in whenever he
could. We started an argument right then and there. Frank got up and left;
he went home, and I stayed at my sister’s. Later, she drove me home and told
me to stop complaining.”
“I know that I am stretched thin. I know that Jimmy would do better if he
had a speech therapist. He’s doing pretty well for a kid that is so hard to
understand. I wish we could understand what he is trying to say. Certainly,
if he could make himself understood better by other people, he would do
better. But I don’t know where I am going to get the time and the energy.
So, when I got home and told Frank what the program coordinator said, he
said ‘I’ll do more.’ Then I really blew up; I threw something at him!
“Then I got really frightened. I have always loved Frank. We have been
together since we were 16. I always knew he was the one I was going to
marry. Up until Jimmy was born, we were happy. I guess I didn’t have to
think much about what we did, we just enjoyed being together. Now, it’s
tough to enjoy anything. I really would like to make our marriage happy
again.”
“I find this as confusing as Alice does. First of all, we see things so
differently. I help a lot, more than the guys I work with. I drive a
delivery truck for the post office. I talk to a lot of guys about how hard
life is at home. None of them do the things that I do. I do all the
shopping. Ask Alice. I get a list and I do it. I take the kids to church on
Sunday.”
“There are lots of things that come up that I don’t tell Alice. I don’t tell
her about the bills that are coming in or how worried I am if we can
continue to pay the mortgage. And I don’t tell her about the problems that
my parents have or her parents have. I try to spare her because she has so
much on her mind. So, I do all this work, and I don’t tell her about that.”
“I am afraid to talk to her anymore because she starts shouting at me. And I
just don’t know what to do. I do resent it because when we go places and she
says I don’t do anything, I feel terrible. I don’t think its fair. So I tell
Alice, ‘If you think I should do more or that I am not doing enough, tell me
at home. Don’t tell me at your mother’s house or your sister’s house. Those
are cheap shots.’
“But I guess neither one of us can stop. I don’t know anybody who’s trained
to live with kids like Jimmy. I think Alice is a saint. But, I think she
should pay some attention to me. I wish I could figure out how life could be
more like it was before Jimmy was born. But you know, then I begin to
wonder, it’s not fair to blame it on Jimmy. He didn’t do anything except get
born with a problem.”
“I love my wife. I love all my children. And I love Jimmy. But, I find
myself always getting mad at the people I love. That scares me.”
SUMMARY AND CONCLUSIONS
The Fords came in after an intense dispute about whether Mr. Ford was doing
his fair share of the work in the household. The quarrel started when it was
suggested to Mrs. Ford that her youngest son, Jimmy, be taken to a speech
therapist twice a week. Although Mrs. Ford wished to do the best for her
son, she was overwhelmed by the idea of having just one more chore to do.
When Mr. Ford said that he was willing to help more, his wife erupted. She
challenged his willingness to do anything at all and named all of the things
that he had not done.
Both Mr. and Mrs. Ford were very upset by their argument. They felt
overwhelmed by the demands that their son made for time and attention and by
the impact these demands had on their relationship. They both spoke of how
good their lives had been before Jimmy was born, even though they were
struggling financially. They wanted another child but were surprised by the
work required by Jimmy.
The birth of any child changes life in any family. All family members have
to develop new ways of sharing time and attention with the new member. The
way this is done is unique to each family and each family member. It depends
on many factors – the way they view the role of parents, their ages, their
prior relationship with their own parents, the demands of their work, the
other children in the family, and many others.
The Fords had looked forward to having children. Both came from close-knit
family groups. Becoming parents meant another step in being more fully
included in their own family networks. Not only could they expect help from
each other, but they could expect support from parents, siblings, uncles and
aunts.
No one is prepared for the time and energy required when a child is born
with a disability. Not only is extra energy and commitment involved, but the
nature of the energy required keeps changing as the child grows up. Like any
family, the Fords found themselves having less time for each other and
becoming more irritable.
We have developed exciting new programs to help children with disabilities
grow and prosper. However, each new program may demand more of the time and
energy of the family.
Parents want to do the best for their children. When the child has a
problem, they are willing to find extra time and energy. Some parents have
developed the ability to discuss the child’s overall program with the
professionals in order to set priorities and make choices. The Fords had
little experience with professionals other than to listen to what they said.
Then they tended to either accept it in total or feel that they couldn’t act
at all.
In programs that involve many aspects of a child’s life, professionals may
not have fully taken into account the demands that are made upon a family
and the impact of these demands on total family life. This is the situation
that the Fords found themselves in. They had already reached out to the
resources their relatives could offer. Mr. Ford had also turned to his
friends at work for extra support. Because of the difficult economic times,
they found that everyone was doing more for their immediate family and had
less to share and give than they had in the past.
Mr. and Mrs. Ford also faced a common dilemma: what is the definition of
“help?” For Mrs. Ford, help meant activities with her son, Jimmy, and the
various things he needed to do. By the standard, she felt that her husband
was doing very little. For Mr. Ford, reducing the pressure on his wife such
as doing the shopping, not bringing certain matters to her attention and not
sharing his own concerns meant that he was helping. As a result of these
different perspectives, both felt misunderstood.
The supports to which each turned had different views of the roles of
husbands and wives. For Mrs. Ford, her sisters and her mother felt that
women has to do all that she was doing and not expect husbands to do any
household chores or child care. For them, the alternative was being on
welfare. For Mr. Ford, the men he talked to felt that he had done more than
anyone could expect a man to do; they felt Mrs. Ford was too demanding.
For both Mr. and Mrs. Ford, the current situation was intolerable – they
didn’t have enough time and energy to do what they were doing, and now they
both felt more should be done for Jimmy. Each was also being told by their
families that they were doing all they could do and that there was no new
way of doing things. Nevertheless, their feelings and commitment for each
other made them want to do something. For the first time, they turned to a
professional to get some assistance with managing their personal lives.
The Fords were asked to prepare a daily and weekly chart of how they spent
their time as well as their money. This visual presentation made it clear to
both of them how hard each was working for the family as a whole and for
their son. Then Mrs. Ford was able to get an evening appointment with Ms.
Anthony, the medical social worker who was coordinating the activities for
her son. She and Mr. Ford were able to discuss with Ms. Anthony how much
time and energy they were currently spending. In this way, a review of
possible alternatives that could accomplish the goals that the clinical team
had established for Jimmy was initiated.
The Fords were introduced to a group of parents who were struggling with
similar kinds of issues. They were encouraged to join this group because it
could provide the kinds of practical support they might find useful.
A few months later, the Fords called to say they were very thankful for the
help and advice they had received. While they felt that they didn’t yet have
the time to join another group, they were talking together every Sunday and
it helped a great deal. It had helped remind them of their love for one
another. They were relieved to know that some of the problems they were
having were not because of the kind of people that they were but by the kind
of job they were trying to do.
This case has been selected from private practice and consultation files.
The names and circumstances have been changed to preserve confidentiality.
Reprinted with the permission from Exceptional Parent Magazine, April/May
1991, Copyright, all rights reserved by EP. Access or subscribe to the EP
magazine at www.eparent.com or call
1-800 EPARENT.
|
 |
|
|
| |
There is an
energy in us which makes things happen when the paths of other persons touch
ours.
from the Monks of Weston Priory
|
|
 |
|
